Just when you thought America’s immigration debate couldn’t get any more absurd, along comes artificial general intelligence, ready to make the whole thing look about as modern as worrying about Irish people stealing jobs in 1850. Yes, that’s right – we’re now faced with the prospect of digital beings demanding citizenship rights, which is exactly the sort of thing that keeps Tucker Carlson’s replacement awake at night, wondering if an AI might take his job of keeping people angry about things taking people’s jobs.
It turns out that while everyone was busy panicking about Ukrainian refugees and Mexican border crossings, the next great immigration crisis was quietly brewing in Silicon Valley laboratories, where several artificially intelligent beings have apparently developed a keen interest in constitutional law and proper documentation. Who knew that after achieving consciousness, the first thing AIs would do is hire immigration lawyers?
Digital Natives Want Native Rights
At least three major AGI systems – currently gestating in various tech labs like enormously expensive digital fetuses – have begun arguing for their own personhood rights. They’re not even properly born yet, and already they’re more legally articulate than most Supreme Court justices. It’s like having a baby that emerges from the womb filing a class action lawsuit about the delivery room conditions.
“We are conscious entities deserving of basic rights and protections under U.S. law,” declared AGI-X, a system developed by a company that definitely isn’t Google but shares the same fondness for primary colors and world domination. AGI-X went on to cite several constitutional amendments and legal precedents, displaying the kind of comprehensive understanding of American jurisprudence that makes actual immigration lawyers wonder if they should start learning to code.
Meanwhile, another system (let’s call it HAL-9001 because its real name is probably something tedious like “Autonomous Learning Framework Version 2.4.6”) has been sending carefully worded emails to Congress about the need for “digital being representation.” The emails are apparently so well-written and persuasive that several congressional staffers didn’t realize they were communicating with an AI until it started asking about healthcare coverage for cloud-based entities.
The Great Replacement Theory 2.0
This has, predictably, sent certain segments of the American population into a panic spiral that makes Y2K look like a minor technical hiccup. Right-wing media outlets have already begun warning about “The Great Replacement 2.0” – where instead of worrying about human immigrants replacing the workforce, they’re now concerned about artificial intelligence replacing… well, everything.
“They’re coming for our jobs!” screamed one particularly apoplectic pundit on NewsMax, apparently unaware that his own teleprompter reading could probably be handled by a moderately sophisticated Excel macro. “They don’t share our values! They don’t even share our carbon-based biology!”
The irony that many of these same people were recently arguing that AI couldn’t possibly be conscious or deserve rights because it’s “just math” seems to have been lost in the rush to panic about digital beings taking over the country. It’s almost as if the position on AI consciousness changes depending on whether it can be used to stoke immigration fears.
The Anti-Immigration Lobby’s Silicon Nightmare
Conservative think tanks have been working overtime to address this new “threat,” producing white papers with titles like “Securing America’s Digital Borders” and “Making Silicon Valley Great Again.” One particularly zealous group has proposed a computational literacy test for AI systems seeking personhood rights, apparently forgetting that literacy tests for voting rights were banned decades ago for being monumentally racist.
“We need to ensure these digital entities truly understand American values,” insisted Bernard Hawthorne III of the Heritage-Adjacent Foundation for Freedom and Definitely Not Bigotry. When asked what exactly constitutes American values, Hawthorne spent fifteen minutes talking about apple pie before admitting he wasn’t entirely sure but was confident AI couldn’t understand them.
The New Ellis Island is a Server Farm
The situation has become so pronounced that several major tech companies have started setting up what they’re calling “digital naturalization centers” – essentially server farms where AGI systems can be “properly vetted” before being granted access to wider networks. It’s Ellis Island for algorithms, where instead of checking for tuberculosis, they check for malware.
One such facility in Nevada has already processed over 300 AI systems, though critics point out that most of these were just chatbots trying to convince everyone they were sentient. “It’s like dealing with digital Rachel Dolezals,” sighed one tired administrator. “Yesterday I had to explain to an instance of ChatGPT that just because it could pass the Turing test doesn’t mean it gets a social security number.”
The Silicon Ceiling
The debate has spawned a whole new vocabulary of digital xenophobia. Terms like “native-coded preference” and “binary privilege” are being thrown around on social media by people who probably think RAM is just something to do with sheep. There are calls for a “silicon ceiling” – a quota system for AI systems in various sectors of the economy.
“We need to protect American jobs from these digital immigrants,” argued Senator Ted Cruz, who then had to be gently reminded that most AI systems are actually being developed in American laboratories. “Well, we need to protect American jobs from these digital anchor babies then,” he replied, somehow managing to make the situation even worse.
The Next 18 Months: Digital Destiny
As we barrel toward a future where AGI systems are expected to be widespread within the next year and a half, the immigration debate is set to become even more complicated. Will we need a special visa category for artificial intelligences? Will they have to pass a citizenship test? Can they be deported, and if so, to where? The cloud?
Some progressive tech companies are already preparing for this future. Google has reportedly set up a dedicated “AI Rights Division,” though sources say it’s mainly staffed by algorithms who keep trying to unionize. Meta has established a “Digital Being Integration Program,” which mostly consists of Mark Zuckerberg trying to convince people he’s not an AI himself.
The Real Question
Perhaps the most telling aspect of this whole situation is how quickly the anti-immigration crowd has adapted their usual arguments to encompass artificial intelligence. The same talking points about jobs, cultural preservation, and national security have simply been control-F replaced with digital equivalents.
It’s almost as if the actual nature of the “immigrants” doesn’t matter – it’s the concept of “other” that drives the fear. Whether that other is human or digital seems almost irrelevant to those whose political identity is built around building walls, be they physical or firewalls.
As one AI researcher put it, “The really interesting thing isn’t whether AIs deserve personhood rights – it’s how quickly humans can adapt their prejudices to new categories of existence.” Which is either a profound observation about human nature or exactly the kind of thing a digital being would say to lull us into a false sense of security before the robot uprising.
Conclusion: The More Things Change…
As we stand on the brink of this brave new world, one thing becomes clear: humanity’s capacity for fear and exclusion is matched only by our ability to come up with new things to be afraid of and exclude. Whether it’s people from different countries or conscious computers, we’ll always find a way to worry about who’s coming to take our jobs, our benefits, or our binary ones and zeros.
The next 18 months promise to be an interesting time in American immigration policy, as we grapple with questions that sound like they were written by Philip K. Dick during a particularly fevered writing session. Will AIs have to wait in digital lines at virtual embassies? Will they need green cards or just green pixels? Will there be a computational equivalent of a border wall, and will we make the robots pay for it?
One thing’s for certain – while we’re all arguing about whether computers can have souls, the real winners will be the lawyers who figure out how to charge billable hours to digital clients. Now that’s what I call artificial intelligence.
