Just when you thought the cryptocurrency landscape couldn’t get any more dystopian than a Philip K. Dick novel written by an AI having a nervous breakdown, along comes WokeCoin – a digital currency that promises to “unite all people and heal the culture.” Because apparently what the world needs right now isn’t, say, actual solutions to climate change or poverty, but another bloody cryptocurrency with all the substance of a ghost’s packed lunch.
WokeCoin emerged from the digital ether like a particularly confusing fever dream, supposedly designed to bridge our society’s widening cultural divide. Though exactly how a virtual token that fluctuates more violently than a cardiac monitor during a horror film marathon is meant to achieve this remains about as clear as mud wearing sunglasses.
The coin’s white paper – a document with all the clarity of a teenager’s explanation of why they missed curfew – describes it as a “blockchain-powered paradigm shift in cultural consciousness.” Which is the sort of phrase that makes you wonder if we’re all just living in a particularly elaborate piece of satirical performance art.
The Cultural Grift Warriors
The response to WokeCoin has been about as measured and rational as you’d expect from the internet – which is to say, not at all. It’s managed to create the sort of division it supposedly aims to heal, with both sides of the culture war treating it like some sort of digital Rorschach test for their particular flavour of collective psychosis.
Take Dr. Bradley Thinkpiece III, a self-described “cultural thought leader” with all the intellectual depth of a puddle in the Sahara, who proclaimed on his podcast “The Based Mind” (listener count: his mum and three bots):
“WokeCoin represents the greatest cultural healing moment of our age. It’s like Gandhi, but with blockchain. Finally, a cryptocurrency that understands that the real moonshot isn’t about profits, but about the friends we make along the way.”
This would be slightly more convincing if Dr. Thinkpiece hadn’t bought £2.3 million worth of WokeCoin approximately fourteen minutes before making this statement.
On the opposing side, we have professional outrage merchant and professional victim Keith “The Truth” Thompson, who took to Truth Social to declare:
“This is literally 1984 but with computers. They’re trying to FORCE us to accept their digital WOKE agenda! I will NEVER buy WokeCoin!”
This brave stance lasted approximately as long as it took for his followers to discover his public wallet containing roughly £4.7 million in WokeCoin, purchased, coincidentally, just before his impassioned denouncement.
The Meaningless Meaning of It All
The beautiful irony of WokeCoin is that it’s managed to perfectly mirror the journey of the word “woke” itself – starting as something with an actual definition before being beaten into semantic submission by endless culture war battery until it means precisely nothing while simultaneously meaning everything anyone wants it to mean.
Consider this exchange from a recent Reddit thread:
Progressive_CryptoWarrior_420: “WokeCoin is about awareness and social justice in the digital age!” BasedCoinLord88: “WokeCoin is literally destroying society!” ActualFinancialAnalyst: “It’s just another cryptocurrency with no underlying value.” Everyone else: “SHUT UP YOU’RE LITERALLY HITLER”
The coin’s value seems to operate on the same principle as Schrödinger’s cat – simultaneously worthless and priceless until someone actually tries to cash out, at which point the whole system collapses faster than a house of cards in a hurricane.
The Experts Weigh In
I spoke to several experts about WokeCoin, or at least people who put “crypto expert” in their Twitter bios, which is apparently the same thing now.
Sarah McKenzie, a “blockchain culture theorist” (a job title that sounds like it was generated by throwing darts at a wall of buzzwords), explained:
“WokeCoin operates on a unique consensus mechanism we call ‘Proof of Virtue’ – instead of mining coins, users gain them by demonstrating their commitment to cultural healing through a proprietary algorithm.”
When asked to explain how this actually works, McKenzie stared into the middle distance for approximately 45 seconds before muttering something about “synergistic paradigms” and “web3 consciousness evolution.”
Meanwhile, Dr. James Worthington-Smythe, an actual economist from a real university, had this to say:
“It’s complete bollocks, isn’t it? The whole thing’s about as legitimate as a three-pound note with Boris Johnson’s face on it.”
Dr. Worthington-Smythe was immediately dismissed by the crypto community as a “no-coiner” who “just doesn’t understand the technology,” which is a bit like dismissing someone’s criticism of a pyramid scheme because they’ve never been in one.
The Very Real People Who Definitely Exist
The internet is awash with totally authentic, not-at-all-bot-generated testimonials about how WokeCoin changed lives:
@CryptoWarrior_69420: “WokeCoin helped me understand both sides of every issue! Now I can see that everyone is right and wrong simultaneously! #blessed #cryptolife #notabot”
@WokeToTheMax_real_human: “Before WokeCoin I was lost in the culture war. Now I’m still lost but I have some worthless digital tokens! Thank you WokeCoin! #definitelynotapaidpost”
The Future of Cultural Healing (Terms and Conditions Apply)
What’s next for WokeCoin? According to its roadmap – a document with all the reliability of a weathervane in a tornado – the future includes:
- The launch of “WokeVerse” – a metaverse where everyone agrees with each other (Release date: Soon™)
- “Cultural NFTs” – because apparently, we haven’t learned our lesson about those yet
- A “Healing DAO” – which sounds like a medieval medicine practice but with smart contracts
The Bottom Line (If There Is One)
WokeCoin perfectly encapsulates our current moment: a solution to a problem that doesn’t solve anything, championed by people who don’t believe in it, opposed by people who secretly own it, all while everyone argues about what it actually means while missing the point entirely.
It’s either the future of cultural discourse or the most elaborate pisstake in financial history. The fact that it’s impossible to tell which is perhaps the most damning indictment of all.
In the end, WokeCoin is like consciousness itself – the more you try to understand it, the more it slips away, leaving you with nothing but a vague sense of confusion and the sneaking suspicion you’ve just been mugged off by the internet equivalent of a philosophy graduate with a pyramid scheme.
But hey, at least we’re all arguing about it. And isn’t that what cultural healing is all about?
(This article was not paid for in WokeCoin, although not for lack of trying by their PR team, who offered me approximately £50,000 worth of tokens – which, by the time of publication, are worth either £0.50 or £17 million, depending on which Twitter prophet you follow.)
